Peering

Peering into ones soul is a daunting and often frightening task. To see what you've always wished, and always feared to see at the same time. In one hand you have the good, the things in your life that make you proud to be who you are, and in the other, those things that would bring you tears...knowing what you have done. The human soul and mind are both amazing creations, we have both the ability to see right and wrong, and to choose which we will follow and make our own. But, at the same time, the ability to remember and the ability to understand what your actions cause and create, often fell as if they are to much to bear.
The weights of life can sometimes be a heavy burden upon our hearts and our bodies. For the past several years this has been all to true for me. I have allowed my heart to be hardened by the events in my life, and I have allowed myself to become bitter. Is this struggle, I have placed so much guilt and hate into my soul, that it became to disgusting for me to even pear into. So, I stopped peering into it....and allowed all this darkness to consume me....in a sense killing the very person I had worked so hard to become. People who knew me before this change, saw it in me when I was with my ex fiance, but I ignored them, and instead rushed forward into this dark pit of despair and hate I had dug for myself.
It has taken me almost 2 years now to see the complete error of my ways, and accept the fact that I have been forgiven and so I must also forgive. This isn't a hallmark moment that brought me to tears, nor did it rekindal old relationships. In fact, this realizations very being has probably destroyed what would have been a wonderful relationship with some one who is very dear to me, but whom I can barely manage a friendship with now. It isn't something I regret, but more something I accept with open arms. I know who I am, and I see my soul for what it is, filth and all, and I accept the consequences for my actions. But, I will no longer dwell on the past. God has presented me with the chance to reclaim my place in life, as I had originally intended to be. I am back on the path that I should have been on all along.
It is a true beauty to see into your own soul, and to no longer attempt to peer into others. It has taken me 5 years in all to finally see my own self, and to mold my own soul rather than allowing others to mold me, as I attempted to mold my life to meet tiers, and to also mold their hearts, after my own selfish direction.